Star Wars Episode IV: A New Joke
by Linkinpark30101
Summary: Crap that I made up to kill time. It's Star Wars with video game characters and my friends. R&R Chapter 4 coming soon, so wait a bit, okay?
1. Default

STAR WARS EPISODE IV: A NEW JOKE

About the story:

This took me a while to think up, and still might turn out to be low class crap. What it's basically about is the usual Star Wars episode 4 with weird twists. Plus I'm having a few anime, video game characters, and my friends take the roles of some of the original characters. This is going in place for a few stories I've started and never went on in. Those will be deleted. Hope you all find this to be a good idea.

Cast List (so far):

Luke Skywalker: Saburo-X

Owen Lars: Peppy Hair (Star Fox)

Beru Lars: Kikyo (Inuyasha)

Luke's helper on the farm that I made up: Cory Farout

C-3PO: Kevin Sanchez (a guy covered in bling-bling)

R2-D2: Edwin Sanchez (a person in a garbage can on wheels)

Princess Leia: Samus Aran (Metroid Prime)

Obi-Wan-Kenobi: Joel Gotz

Yoda: L/Ryuzaki (Death Note)

Darth 'Bong-Man' Vader (sounds weird, explained in the story): Rocky Vyas

Han Solo: Solid Snake (Metal Gear Solid)

Chewbacca: Fox McCloud (Star Fox)

Jango Fett: Master Chief (Halo)

Lando Calrissian: Also Rocky Vyas

Grand Moff Tarkin: Tim Kurchiner

Wedge Antilles: Falco Lombardi (Star Fox)

Jabba the Hutt: Bowser (Super Smash Bros)

Emperor Palpatine: Light Yagami (Death Note)


	2. Chapter 1: Rebels under attack

STAR WARS EPISODE IV

CHAPTER ONE: REBELS UNDER ATTACK

(I don't own anyone)

Long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…

It is a period of civil war.

Rebel space ships, striking

From a hidden base, have won

Their first victory against

the evil Galactic Empire after several unsuccessful tries.

During the battle, Rebel

spies manage to steal secret

plans to the Empire's

ultimate weapon, the DEATH

STAR, an armored space station that,

doesn't even look remotely similar to a star

and with enough power to destroy

an entire planet (sounds like the rebels are screwed).

Pursued by the empire's

sinister agents, Princess

Leia rushes home aboard her

starship, custodian of the

looted plans that can save

her people and restore

freedom to the galaxy….

The ship continues to flee from the Star Destroyer as it passes over the desert planet Tatooine. They exchange fire as they do. After several shots, none of them seemed to hit one another. "This isn't working," said an Imperil soldier. "Bring out the big gun!" He and two other soldiers start moving a large beam cannon around in a dump truck and they position the firing end at the rebel ship. After firing the first shot, they make a direct hit on the starship.

Aboard the starship, a Mexican teenager in a yellow sweater and yellow pants, with three golden chains around his neck, and his hat's bill tilted to the right side of his head stumbled out of a room filled with smoke. Following him was an aluminum garbage can on wheels with a window on the side of it and blue decals all over it. "Man!" said the guy as he coughed like crazy. "The rebels sure know how to throw a party!"

The garbage can wheeled over to his side and opened the lid to reveal another Mexican teenager that looks just like the other one, sitting inside of it. "I know, bro!"

Running through the halls, several armed rebels head past the 'droids'. "Crap! They got out the big gun!"

"Do you hear that?" asked the one in yellow.

"Hear what, Kevin?"

"They shut down the main reactor." he said. "What's going on?"

The rebels that where heading down the halls position themselves at the end of a hall pointing their guns at a door. "Don't let even one of those Imperial bastards get in!"

"It looks like they're going to shoot whoever comes through that door, Edwin." said Kevin.

"Hey, what about the princess?" asked Edwin, still looking out from the top of his can.

"There will be no escape for the princess this time." He said. "Let's get out of here." They hear a sound from, above. "What was that?"

"Sounds like a giant vacuum." said Edwin. He looked over to the rebel soldiers who were also baffled by the sound.

"I think we're being abducted." said Kevin still looking up at the ceiling.

"By a large vacuum?" asked Edwin.

"Everyone be ready, they're going to come through that door!" said the commanding rebel officer. "I think we're in for some trouble."

"Man, there's even bigger trouble in my pants." said one of the officers.

Just then, something was cutting through the door. The door fell to pieces and a large amount of sparks and smoke came from the door's remains. Then it exploded. "Gaaah! A piece flew into my eye!"

Firing through the smoke, Storm troopers entered the ship, guns a blazing. "Die rebel scum!" One of them was killed by a rebel officer, but that didn't stop the other rebels from getting shot.

"Can we be any worse aimers?!?!" yelled the commanding officer. The rebel officers were being quickly massacred as more and more troopers ran in. "It's like they mass produce these guys in a factory!" The commander is shot.

"Run away!!" The rebels quickly run from the scene. The Storm troopers follow them to another point in the halls where they confront more rebels.

The 'droids', Edwin and Kevin, quickly head to the scene. "Look they're shooting at each other!" said Edwin.

"We need to get though here, so we need to go through the lasers." said Kevin. "Since you have a trash can to protect you, you go first."

"I'd rather cross the Mexican boarder!" said Edwin.

"We're droids, they won't shoot at us!" said Kevin pushing Edwin's trash can through the hall with Edwin still inside as the rebels and Storm troopers exchange fire. The droids quickly make it across. "See? Not even a scratch!"

Edwin pops out of his can to look at Kevin's pants now that it has a hole burned into it. Kevin looked down. "Damn!"

"Um, let's go find the princess." said Edwin closing his lid and heading down the halls.

At the door where the Storm troopers got in, the pushed the bodies aside and rolled out a red carpet so that a black, caped figure can walk in and not trip on anything. As he came in he looked around at the dead rebel soldiers. He breathed in with the tube that lead to his mask and breathed out a bunch of smoke. "That's some good weed."

Edwin and Kevin head down the halls and find princess. "Princess Leia!"

"Please, call me Samus." she said to the droids.

"Right." said Kevin. "We're here to get you out of here."

"That's not needed." said the princess. She reached into her pocket and took out two discs. "Here take these."

"Cool!" said Edwin popping out of his can and grabbing them. "Free burned tunes!"

"Yeah, sure." said the Princess. "Make sure no one gets their hands on those discs. I want you two to go into and escape pod with them and head down to the planet we're over now. Then search for Obi-Wan-Kenobi."

Kevin took out a note pad. "How do you spell that?"

"Just as it sounds." she said grabbing a gun and running off.

"Obi…Wan…Keno…bi." he said writing it down. Then he looked up. "Hey, where's the Princess?"

"Let's just take her advice!" said Edwin. "They're heading in this direction!"

The remaining rebel troops were captured and where taken to the Star Destroyer. One of the Storm troopers reported to Darth Vader, who was holding a rebel soldier by his neck and breathing into his face. The soldier coughed like crazy "What's wrong, can't take your weed?"

"Sir, the Death Star plans are not in the main computer." said the trooper.

Then he turned to the rebel. "Where are the plans, limp dick?!"

"Wh-what plans? We're just on a…diplomatic…mission!" he said trying to break free.

"The where is the ambassador, fool?" he asked before breaking the rebel's neck. Then he threw him against the wall. "Tear this ship apart until you've found those plans! And bring me the passengers, I want them alive!"

Then 7 Storm troopers start looking through the ship for anyone on it. "I don't see anything." said Number 4.

"They should be here." said Number 2.

"Maybe the rebel scum bag was telling the truth." said Number 3.

"Are you going to believe that crap?" asked Number 1.

Just then, Princess Leia, or Samus, jumped from around the corner and started blasting away at Number 3. She shot him 17 times before she turned to Number 6 and unloaded on him as well. Then Number 2 shot a stun blast on her and she collapsed after she finished off Number 5. "We have a prisoner, and three casualties."

"Well, it wasn't a complete loss." said Number 4.

At the same time, the droids made their way to the escape pods. "Let's use this one."

"Quickly, before they catch on to us." said Kevin. He got into the pod and they ejected. Then he looked out the port window and saw the Star Destroyer. "Damn Imperials have a bigger and nicer ship than us!"

"They must get paid more." said Edwin. The pod started heading down to the planet. At the same time, the Princess was taken captive by the Storm troopers.

Darth Vader approached them in the halls. "Darth Vader, the blackest man in the galaxy." said the Princess.

"That's right Princess." he said breathing in and out.

"You've finally done it this time!" Samus said. "This attack on my ship has law sue written all over it."

"Where are the plans that the Rebels sent you?" he asked.

"You must be smoking your grass too much, Darth Bong-Man." She said. "I have no idea what you're talking about; I'm a member of the Imperial Senate on a diplomatic mission to Aldaron…"

"Zip it, bitch." He shouted. "You are part of the damned Rebel Alliance and a damned traitor! Take her away!!"

The Storm troopers grabbed her and took her down the halls. "Hey, keep your hands of my ass!"

"I've traced those breathing manure bags to her." said Darth Vader walking away. "She's my only link to the secret base of the Rebels."

"I don't think she'll tell you, sir." said the Imperial officer.

"Leave that to me, whitey." said Darth Vader. "She must have put the plans in the pod that was launched. Send down some fools to retrieve them."

TO BE CONTINUED…


	3. Chapter 2: Farm Boy

STAR WARS IV

CHAPTER TWO: FARM BOY

(Still don't own)

"Well, I'm at a complete loss as to where we are." said Kevin walking up a hill with Edwin, who was still in his trash can.

"Let's start looking for Obi-Wan." said Edwin.

Kevin turned his hat so that the bill was over his eyes and he saw a large object on the hill. "What in god's name is that?"

"It looks like a transport!" said Edwin. "Let's go hitch a ride!"

They head over to the transport and studied it. "That's one big ride."

It opened up and some freaky-little, hooded creatures walked out and ran over to Edwin and Kevin. "Well I'll be damned. They're Muslim, sweet."

They ran over to Edwin and grabbed his trash can. It took four of them, but they manage to lift it with Edwin still inside and started heading back to the transport. "Hey, put me down!"

Far from their position, Storm troopers 1, 2, 4, and 7 started investigating the pod. "Yep, some one was in here." said Number 1.

"Look, sir!" said Number 4 picking up a ring. "Bling-Bling!"

**Out in the middle of nowhere on Tatooine**….

"Luke!" called an old rabbit walking around his house. "Luke! Where are you?!"

In the land speeder, parked outside the house, a boy woke up from sleeping in it. "Uuuuugh…" he lifted his hat that was over his eyes only to put it back on to block out the sun. He got up and looked around. "I got to stop drinking…"

"Luke!" called the rabbit again. "Get your ass over here right now, quit monkeying around with that damned land speeder!"

"Crap…" he said falling out of it and walking over to the hole in the ground that was the entrance to his home. "Yeah, Uncle Peppy?"

"The freaky, little hooded creatures will be here soon and we're going to by some droids." he said.

"Right, right…" he said straightening out his back. Then he straightened out his clothes and looked around. "Why do I live out in the middle of nowhere? I want be a star pilot and get off this dust ball."

The large brown transport drove on over and opened its doors. "Hey Uncle, they're here!"

The old rabbit came out in a wheel chair and wheeled himself to Luke. "We need to make sure we get one that speaks Japanese."

"But I speak perfect Japanese." said Luke.

The droids where set out, and so where Edwin and Kevin. "Look, I'm worth 700 credits." said Edwin.

"I'm worth 900 because I'm a protocol droid." said Kevin.

Luke and his uncle walk over to the droids and examine them. Luke just sits back and watches. "God I hate my life."

"We'll take the short red one." said Peppy. Then he wheeled over to Kevin. "What can you do?"

"I can rap." said Kevin.

"Can you speak Japanese?" asked Peppy.

"I can speak English and Spanish." said Kevin.

"Close enough, we'll take you." said Peppy. "Luke!"

Luke groaned and ran over. "Sup?"

"We're taking this one." said Peppy.

"What up?" said Kevin pounding fists with Luke. "I'm C-3PO, whatever that mean, but you can call me Kevin."

"Great." said Luke.

"And we'll take the garbage can with the red decals on it." said Peppy.

"Why don't you take the blue one?" asked Kevin.

"Because I want the red one, it looks cooler." said Peppy.

"But the blue one's my brother!" said Kevin.

"I'm taken the red one." said Peppy.

Once he looked away, Edwin stuffed a hand grenade into it and withdrew back into his can. It exploded and killed too freaky-little hooded creatures. "Um Uncle, you might want to change your mind…"

He looked at the droid, or what was left of it. "Okay, we'll take the blue one." He said. "Luke, I want you to clean these both up before dinner."

"But dinner's in six minutes!" said Luke.

"Well then you better not waist time sitting here and complaining about it." said Peppy wheeling back to the house.

"…shove it up your ass, limp dick." said Luke. Then he turned to the droids. "Let's go…"

"Sweet." said Edwin. "I need to get out of this trash can."

In the hut, Kevin got into the hot tub while Edwin and Luke clean Edwin's trash can. "Thank god you bought us; the living conditions on that thing are terrible."

"Yeah, whatever…" said Luke scraping crap off the side of it. "Why do you travel around in a trash can?"

"What's wrong, dude?" asked Kevin.

"My uncle never lets me do anything; he just wants me to help him with his damned moisture farm." Luke said changing tools.

"Why would some one farm moisture?" asked Kevin.

"Ask my crippled Uncle Peppy." he said. "Got any music?"

"Yeah, I got these on the Rebel ship we were on!" he said reaching into his can.

"You were with the Rebellion?!" said Luke.

"Yeah." said Kevin. "But I think everyone on our ship is dead."

"Damn!" said Luke. "I thought I could get off this dust ball."

Edwin stuffed a disc into his player and hit play. "This should be good." But instead of music, a hologram came out from the hole in the side of his trash can. "What the?"

"Help me Obi-Wan-Kenobi…you're our only hope…."

"Help me Obi-Wan-Kenobi…you're our only hope…."

"Damn, it's just some recording of something." said Edwin.

"She's as fine as hell." said Luke, "Is there any more of this?"

"I think…oh, that's right!" said Edwin jumping into his trash can. "We need to find Obi-Wan!"

"We can do it later." said Kevin leaning back in the tub. "I'm enjoying the good life."

"Obi-Wan Kenobi?" asked Luke. "I think he means Joel Gotz Kenobi."

"Who?" asked Edwin.

"He's some one that lives here, but he lives in the dunes somewhere." said Luke. He looked at the message. "I wonder who she is…"

"She's Samus, a passenger on our ship." said Edwin.

"Well, your bro over there said everyone is dead so she might be as well." he said sitting down. "Damn, another chance to get a girl; wasted…"

"Wow, must suck out here in the desert." said Kevin.

"Well, I need to go to dinner, or Uncle Peppy is bringing out his lead pipe." said Luke walking out of the hut. Luke walked out of the hut and walked across the sands. "Hotter than Hell out here." He said as he walked into the house and into the dinning room.

"Good timing, Luke. You got 5 seconds to spare" said Peppy. "I was just about to wheel myself off to get the lead pipe."

"Hey, I think that R2 unit is stolen." said Luke.

"What are you talking about?" asked his Uncle as his Aunt Kikyo started serving food. "You saw me pay for it."

"No I mean that the freaky, little-hooded creatures stole it." said Luke digging into his food. "He said that he belongs to an Obi-Wan Kenobi." Kikyo and Peppy exchanged looks and Peppy gave her the 'don't tell him' sign. "I thought he meant Joel Gotz, do you know what the little Mexican is talking about?"

"Nope, nope, no idea! Not at all." he said. "Besides he's a crazy old man that practices Voodoo, witch craft, and all kinds of black arts in his little cave in the mountains."

"But, I think he might come looking for it." said Luke taking a drink of his weird blue beverage.

"Nope, ummm…he died about the same time as your father."

Luke spat it all out at his Aunt Kikyo. "You knew my father?!" said Luke.

"Never mind, tomorrow I want those droids working on the compressors first thing in the morning, sleep in and I'll get the belt." said his Uncle.

"…yes sir…" he said sighing. "But if the droids work out fine, I want to sign in for the academy this season."

"What?" said Peppy. "I need you for the harvest this season!"

"But-"

"Look, as soon as I make enough money to hire some more hands, you can go to the academy and bang as many collage girls as you want next year." he said. "Just don't go outside your probation zone."

"Whatever, you old shit…" said Luke getting up and walking out of the dinner room.

"Why won't you let him go?" asked Aunt Kikyo. "He isn't a farm boy."

"I'll make it up to him the year he's off his probation." said Peppy.

TO BE CONTINUED…


	4. Chapter 3: Crazy Hocus Pocus

STAR WARS IV

CHAPTER THREE: CRAZY HOCUS POCUS

(Still don't own anyone, just my friends and who plays Luke)

Luke stomped into the shack that he was cleaning the droids in and pulled his baseball cap nearly over his eyes. He looked around to look for the droids. "Hey, Mexicanos!"

"Sup?" said Kevin jumping out of the closet.

"What are you doing in there?" asked Luke.

"I'm looking at all of the nice shit you've got in here." He said reaching in and pulling out a sub machine gun. "You got a lot of guns."

"You can never be too careful out here." said Luke looking around. "Where's the one in the trash can?"

"Edwin left, he said he wanted to look for Obi-Wan Kenobi." said Kevin.

"A Mexican in a trash can that calls himself a protocol droid isn't going to survive out there." said Luke. "Quick, to the land speeder!"

Kevin and Luke grabbed as many guns as they needed in case of trouble. Luke walked out and pulled out the keys. He pressed a button on the keys and the speeder unlocked. Kevin and Luke put the guns in the back. "This should be enough."

Luke pulled out some binoculars and looked around. "How can a protocol droid get so far in so short of time?"

Kevin walked out to him. "He has the engine of a Harley Davidson in his trash can."

"That sounds like a good explanation." said Luke. "But we have to wait until the morning to look for him; it's too dangerous at night. I'll call my homey, Cory."

"Crap." said Kevin. "Well, let's go watch Jackass Two."

**Morning…**

Peppy wheeled himself out into the sun from the hole in the ground they call a house. "Luke?!" He looked around. "Luke, where are you, you little shit?!" He wheeled himself to the kitchen and spoke to his wife. "Hey, have you seen Luke?"

"He said he had some things to do in town, so he took the speeder and left." said Aunt Kikyo.

"Did he take those droids with him?" asked Peppy.

"I think so." she said.

"Well that bastard better have them back by mid-day, or he'll be getting the beating of his life!" he said wheeling out of the kitchen.

**Desert…**

Luke, Cory, and Kevin, or C-3PO, headed out into the desert to search for the lost man in the can. "He's a teen in a can, how hard can it be to find him?!" said Cory.

"Dunno." said Kevin. He turned up the radio and changed the station to rap. "Yeah, that's what I'm talking about."

"Look, a droid on the scanner!" said Luke.

"Are you sure it isn't a land mine in the sand?" asked Kevin.

"Naw, all of the land mines I planted show up red on the scanner, green is for droids." said Luke.

"Let's go get it." said Cory.

Edwin was flying across the sand with the engine of his trash can roaring. He was looking out the top with a helmet and goggles on as he drove himself around. He looked into the rear few mirror and saw the speeder. "It's Kevin. Better slow down."

Luke put the speeder to a stop and jumped out with Kevin and Cory. "Hey, where do you think you're going, fool?"

"I'm looking for Obi-Wan." said Edwin.

"For the love of the Virgin Mary, at least tell me to go with you!" said Kevin. "Besides, Luke's our owner, not Obi-Wan."

"Is this Obi-Wan guy really that important?" asked Cory.

"Wait, my radar says there are many creatures coming from the southeast." said Edwin.

"Sand people." said Luke opening the trunk and pulling out some guns. He threw two sub machine guns to Kevin, a shot gun to Cory, and a sniper rifle to Edwin. Then he pulled out two AK-47s. "Let's go check it out."

Luke and the droids sat on top of a cliff and watched some big hairy creatures with the binoculars. "Well, there are many hairy-large creatures down there, and defiantly sand people."

"What's the plan?" asked Kevin.

Luke pumped his guns. "We pick em' off." said Luke. Then a sand creature with wrappings all over his head jumped in front of them, held its weapon over its head and hollered. "Holy shit!"

"Oh crap!" said Kevin, he backed up too much and fell off the cliff.

"Holy fucking ass crackers!" yelled Cory before he ran straight down a cliff that slopped at a 90 degree angle.

"Aaaah, a mummy!!" said Edwin, he pumped his sniper rifle and started shooting him point blank. He let off seven rounds into it before it rolled off the cliff.

"Nice shooting." said Luke. Another came over and bashed Luke over the head with a 2 by 4 piece of wood. Luke fell over unconscious. Edwin jumped into his can and drove away.

Edwin hid in a small cave and watched the land speeder. "Holy shit…what now?!" A few sand people walked over to the land speeder while dragging Luke behind them. They left him on the ground as they raided his speeder. "I'll wait here for Kevin." One of the sand people grabbed a gun and looked at it confused as to what it was. He pointed it at one of the others and pulled the trigger. He accidentally gunned down his buddy before dropping the gun on the ground. Edwin was peaking out of his can as he watched.

Then, all of the sudden, a cloaked figure came from dunes and started throwing rocks at them. "Go on! Get out of here!" he yelled as he showered them with the stones. The sand people ran off scared. "Next time you get the lightsaber!" The man walked down to Luke and looked at him. Then he pulled off his hood to reveal a blonde teenager. "Damn shame what they did to this white boy."

"Is he dead?" asked Edwin as he revealed himself from his hiding place.

"Nope, far from it." said the man as he started slapping Luke in the face. "Wake up! Wake up, damn you!"

Luke opened his eyes and sat up rubbing his head. "Uuuuugh, I feel like Uncle Peppy finally hit me with the pipe…" He looked around and looked to the new comer. "Joel? Joel Gotz Kenobi?"

"What up?" he said. "Looks like you got your ass beat by a bunch of sand people half your size."

"I don't remember very much, maybe it's the alcohol." said Luke rubbing the back of his head.

"Tell me Luke, what bring you out here in the small canyon where the sand people dump their excrement?" asked Kenobi sitting down on a rock.

Luke sat down as well. "Oh, I was looking for this damned droid." He said. "He said was searching for his real owner, Obi Wan Kenobi." Joel raised his eye brow. "Is he related to you?"

"Obi Wan Kenobi…" he said. "That's a name I haven't heard in many years…"

"My uncle said he kicked the bucket a long time ago." said Luke.

"Oh he's not dead, well he's going to get it one of these days." said Joel.

"You know him?" asked Luke.

"No shit I know him." he said. "You're looking at him." Luke looked confused. "No one has ever called me that in a while, I think it's because they gave me the nickname Joel Gotz Kenobi."

"Oh, so the droid does belong to you." said Luke.

"Nope." said Obi Wan. Loud cries were heard from the hills. "Quick, let's go to my crib. The sand people will be back with their wife and kids pretty soon." He stood up. "Have you seen a sand baby with a rifle? It's the most intimidating thing in the desert; those things can aim."

"Hey, what about my brother?!" said Edwin.

"Oh crap, C-3PO!" Luke ran off in the direction he was last seen in.

Both Luke and Obi Wan found Kevin being supported on his right side by Cory. "Damn man, my arm's broken!"

"It's like rubber now." said Cory.

"Come on, we need to get out of here before the freaks show up." said Luke.

"Just leave me, I'll distract them so you can get away." he said pumping the gun he still had.

"Oh just throw the beaner in the back!" said Obi as he grabbed him and helped Cory bring him to the speeder.

**Obi's Pad…**

"Pull the other one." said Luke as he wrapped up Kevin's arm.

"No seriously, it's true." said Obi.

"My father didn't fight in the war." said Luke.

"Yeah, wasn't he a navigator on a spice freighter?" asked Cory.

"That's what his uncle told him." said Joel. "He didn't like what your father wanted you to do with your life and wanted you to stay here and slave away at his moisture farm."

Luke looked up from his wrapping and turned to Joel. "You fought in the Clone Wars?"

"Yes I have." He said leaning back in his seat. "I was once a jedi knight like him."

"Damn, I wish I knew him, he'd probably teach me how to cut people up and get girls." said Luke adjusting his hat.

"He was the best star pilot in the galaxy; and a kick ass warrior." he said rubbing his chin. "I understand you aren't that bad too." Luke gave a confident smile and nodded. He looked away. "He was a good drinking buddy." Then he remembered something. "Oh yeah, I got something for you." He stood up and strolled over to a chest against the wall. He pushed over all of the empty pop cans on it and opened it up. "Your father wanted you to have this, but your uncle wouldn't allow it; he thought you'd follow me on some damn idealistic crusade like your pops." Obi Wan pulled out a shiny device from the chest.

"I think I'm going to get some shut eye." said Kevin leaning back and putting his legs on the table before putting his hat over his eyes.

"Sounds good." said Luke. Joel approached him and Luke stood up. "What is it?"

"Your father's lightsaber, you know, a sword." He said. Luke took it from his hands. "This is the weapon of the jedi. It's easier to use than a gun and a more elegant weapon for a more civilized time when drugs were still cool." he said sitting down.

Luke turned it on and a blue blade shot out from the handle. Luke waved it around a bit and his face lit up. "Alright! Now I can kill those bastards that keep throwing junk at my house!" Luke started swinging it around wildly. The lightsaber cut through everything it came in contact with. Cory ducked to avoid losing his head.

"For thousands of years the jedi knights were the guardians of peace and justice in the old republic. Before the dark times…before the Emp-" Joel stopped when he noticed what Luke was doing and stood up and wacked him on the back of the head. "Stop that, it's not a toy!"

Luke rubbed the back of his head after he turned off the lightsaber. "Geez, sorry…" He sat down and had another question come to mind. "How did my old man die?"

"A jedi named Darth Vader, who was a pupil of mine and a smoking buddy, before he turned into an ass hole." He answered. "He helped the Empire hunt down and kill all of the jedi knights." He looked at Luke in the face. "He stabbed your father in the back." Luke dropped his head. "Now the jedi are all gone. Except for me."

"Oh shit." said Luke.

"Darth Vader, or Darth Bong-man, was seduced by the power of the Dark side of the Force; some call it the Black side." he said.

"The Force?" asked Luke.

"Has your uncle ever mentioned anything about black arts like voodoo and witch craft if you ever spoke about me?" asked Joel. Luke nodded. "That's what he's talking about. The Force is the source to a jedi's power. The Force is like Aura to that Pokemon called Lucario."

"Oh yeah!" said Edwin as he poked out of his trash can. "I have a message for you!" Edwin showed him the CD and put it into his player.

"Okay, let's hear it." said Obi Wan.

Edwin played the message and the hologram of the same woman appeared. She stood up straight. "Is it recording?" she waited for an answer. "Is the red light on?" She quickly put her hood up. "Okay." She cleared her throat. "General Kenobi, years ago you fought along side my father in the Clone Wars, now he begs you to help him in his struggle against the Empire." Luke leaned forward to listen in some more. "I'm sorry that I couldn't tell you in person, but my ship was attacked and my mission to bring you to Aldaron has failed."

"Yep, she's dead alright." said Luke.

"I've placed information vital to the survival of the rebellion with this kid in a trash can. My father would know how to retrieve it. You must get him safely to Aldaron." Her expression became saddened. "This is our most desperate hour…Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope…" Suddenly she jerked around as if some one had found her and leaned over to stop the recording device. "Fuck!"

Joel leaned back and threw a Mento into his mouth. He was silent for a minute as he stared at where the hologram previously stood and threw another one into his mouth shortly after. Luke stared at him like he was staring at an idiot. Finally he turned to Luke. "You must learn the ways of the Force if you are to come with me to kill millions of people."

"Aldaron?" he said standing up. "No can't do, I've got to get home." He started walking to the door. "Peppy's going to give me the beating of a life time. As long as I don't have this." He said waving the lightsaber in his hand.

"But I need your help!" Joel said. "She needs your help!"

"She's dead." said Luke.

"No she isn't." said Obi Wan.

Suddenly, Luke finally felt like he had a chance of getting laid. But then he imaged Uncle Peppy with a hammer. "I can't…I've got work to do. I hate doing work here more than anything but I can't do anything until I get off my probation." He slapped the wall. "How am I going to explain this to my uncle?"

"You can stay and learn the Force." Said Obi Wan.

Luke sighed. "Look, I can take you as far as Anchorhead." He said. "You can get a ride to Mos Isely or wherever the hell you're going."

"You must do what you feel is right." said Joel. "Coming with me would get you laid and staying here will get you beaten up."

**At the exact same time in outer space…**

Vader's Star Destroyer flew through space on course with a large metal object. This object was the Death Star, the Empire's large space station. There in the large structure a meeting of the top officers was being held. "Until this battle station is working anyone can come at us and kick are asses." said one of the officers. "The Rebel Alliance has enough weapons to ass rape us in battle, they're more dangerous than you realize."

"Dangerous to your star fleet, Commander, not this battle station." said another.

"The rebellion will continue to gain support from the Imperial Senate before-!" he was cut off when Grand Moff Tarkin entered the room, everyone calls him Tim.

"Excuse me dumb ass, but the Imperial Senate will no longer be of any concern to us." said Tim as he walked to his seat at the table. "I have just received word that the Emperor has just sacked the entire council and he is now in control." He put on a big smile and sat down.

"Impossible!" said another officer. "How can the emperor take over?"

"Governors now have direct control over their territories." he responded. "C'mon any more questions? I have a cheap answer for each of them." He put his feet up on the table. "Fear will keep the local systems in line; fear of this planet sized battle station that took a gratuitous amount of money to build which came from a loan that will take years to pay off."

"And what about the rebellion?" asked another. "If they manage to get a hold of the designs to this place they might find a weakness. Maybe there's a hole in the battle station probably two meters wide that, if fired into by a missile of some sort, will blow this thing straight to hell."

"Cracka' I can get those plans back easily." said Darth Vader.

"No one can damage this station!" said Steve, he was an officer there as well. "Not even the power of Jesus Christ can destroy this thing!"

"Bitch, don't be so cocky, the powah to destroy a planet with this oversized iPod ain't worth shit to the powah of the Force!" said Darth Vader. He exhaled and a thick cloud of smoke came out of his mouth vents.

"Don't try to scare us with your crazy hocus pocus, Vader!" said Steve. "Your sad devotion to that piece of shit religion hasn't even helped you to get the stolen data back or even given you clairvoyance to find the rebel's hidden fort-!"

Vader held up his hand as if wrapping it around something and Steve started to choke for some unknown reason. Steve started changing several different shades of blue all at once, making noises from desperate attempts to breath, and trying to stop what was choking him from choking him. "You wanna fuck with me, bitch?"

"Vader, let him go!" said Tim. "Kill him later."

"Okay." he said and moved his hand away. Steve started panting as he grabbed his own throat.

"Lord Vader will tell us where the rebel base is soon and we'll crush them once and for all!" he slammed his fist onto the table. He yelled out in pain, jumped up, and started to wave his hand around after striking a metal table.

TO BE CONTINUED…


End file.
